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GLAMROU


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GLAMROU


Glamrou La Denim’s extensive life-story can be read in her critically acclaimed, best selling autobiography tome trilogy – PART 1: Glamrou - From Hijabs to Hollywood; PART 2 - Glamrou: From Quran to Queen, and of course, PART 3: Glamrou: From Burkas to Bikinis (“and nothing in between” as altered for the French translation).

Glamrou had a happy childhood in Baghdad, and fell in with how Middle-Eastern women presented themselves – attending weddings and birthdays in designer bliss, with scientifically applied contouring methods now stolen by Kim Kardashian (the court case between Glamrou’s mother and the Kardashians is currently on it’s 93rd appeal). But growing conflicts in Iraq, and the rejection from her Muslim elders for belly dancing in a mosque, meant Glamrou was forced to leave her life behind to start one in London. And thus she ditched her bedsit in Baghdad for a bedsit in Walthamstow, only bringing with her Mufasa - her one-eyed pet Armadillo – and her renowned talent for scat jazz singing.

Life in London hasn’t always been easy for Glamrou – from being searched 47 times at Specsavers for accusations of terrorism, to performing enemas as a part-time career – she was saved by meeting the other 4 Denim Queens through the power of song. And now she has the family she always dreamed of.

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CRYSTAL


CRYSTAL


Hailed as 'glamorous', 'rich' and 'bafflingly desperate' by adoring critics, Crystal broke the mainstream back in 1916 with her hit single 'Oligarchs just wanna have fun!'. After she willingly surrendered everything during her favourite of the revolutions—the Bolshevik—Crystal found that her only means of survival was her high, tight ass and her now globally recognised voice.

With just enough roubles in her Prada, she fled to the open arms of her one, true lover—New York City—where she swiftly became one of the city's great legends. Barbara, Liza, Crystal!

But behind the smoke and mirrors of her beloved life on stage, Crystal is a sensitive queen who has lived a life full of harsh tragedies and botched surgeries. After contracting incurable crabs in 1967 from four of the five Beatles, she decided to move out of the spotlight, and in with her 11 llamas in her characterful country home in King's Lynn, UK.

But fame even found her there, and in 2001 she was crowned 'Miss King's Lynn'. Returning to the UK's pageanting scene after her victory, it is here she reunited with old flame, friend and diva: Glamrou. The rest is history, except one thing: the future! 

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SHIRLEY


SHIRLEY


Blonde bombshell. Girl next door. Fleshy, all devouring, rancid slug. There are so many faces to the global sweetheart that is: Shirley Du-Naughty. At the tender age of 16, Du-Naughty was the recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize for her extensive field work in training the last of the Swiss Debutantes. After her win, Shirley went on an infamous killing spree and was dubbed by Chat Mag as the ‘Cupcake Killer’.

But those halcyon days of unbridled ecstasy are far behind the French-Canadian-Texan songstress. Now Shirley practices celibacy and clean eating in order to maintain the youthful glow of her right foot - she was recently proclaimed ‘The World’s Most Prolific and Influential Right Foot Kitten Heel Model’ (Vogue Magazine) - a title she doesn't plan to lose anytime soon.

A plucky Southern belle, Shirls may, at times, allow her ‘get up and go’ attitude to get the better of her and (on multiple occasions) has been caught plotting the savage demise of her fellow queens. But she knows that’s just the black slug talking and that she would be nowhere without her girls keeping her (in her words) ‘happier than a moth in a mitten!’ Sponsorships include Coca-Cola, Bentley Motors, Nestle, BP Oil and Dioralyte.

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ELEKTRA


ELEKTRA


 

Teen-Rebel Electra Cute is the treasurer for the South-West London branch of the Marxist society. They meet in her dad’s basement swimming pool in Knightsbridge. It’s heated.                  

Politics has always been a huge part of her life: she was “instrumental” in the Occupy movement without attending a single event. She also took inspiration from Lenin and organised a “bed-in” at her 4-storey Soho pied-de-terre in protest against gentrification. Her icons are Russell Brand, the “raddest” politician of our age, and Jodie Foster for being out in an industry that’s “riddled with hierarchical and patriarchal bullshit which I hate.” 

At 16, Electra was expelled from a highly prestigious Catholic girls’ school after being caught with Sister Sylvie in the Lady Chapel. She packed her measly belongings - four vans worth - and headed to the big smoke to “change shit up”. There, after a heavy night of WKDs, she woke up a sleeping Glamrou by belting out Nickelback at 4 in the morning on the Walworth Road. Electra was instantly snapped up by the world famous super-group Denim and has never looked back. Despite her inordinate wealth, the Denims are the first people in her life she has confidently considered to be her friends.

 

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APHRODITE


APHRODITE


Aphrodite Greene, née Jones, doesn't remember where she was born. But, with faint shell-encrusted memories of being washed up on the shores of Los Angeles at a young age, she remembers her later childhood fondly. Taken in by a Jesuit orphanage, she grew up on a healthy diet of prayer, beach volleyball and Gregorian chant - all of which continue to inspire her acclaimed performances today. 

Aphs was soon spotted in LA, famous on the gigging circuit for her smooth, bass tones. Alongside a blossoming music career, she found time to understudy Meryl Streep in many of her early performances. In her early 20s, she met media tycoon Jay Jameson after mass on a hot July Sunday, and they were married by the fall. She quickly became a proud Volvo carpool mother of six strapping, hockey champion sons. But Jay's numerous affairs sent Aphs into a spiral of destructive addiction and shoplifting. She fled the country for some alone time in rehab, where she met Glamrou and…She's never looked back. DENIM has been her life ever since- though she's still a devoted mother, and has been divorced a few more times.

Voted 47th sexiest woman in the world by Deliveroo, she's been sober for over a year now.